hey there blog.i guess i know why i only post sad stuff on my blog.its the last place i have to let out whatever i'm thinking.what i'm feeling.when everything is down.when everyone has left.i still have this.

why the hell is my life so fucked up.its just one shit after another after another.
god,please give me hope.i'm just broken now.
first, fucked up my leg while running.and this is after training to gain back my fitness.
second, after working so hard i cant even ATTEMPT to qualify to command school.
third, it turns out that i'm probably not even to be able to ATTEND graduation parade with my bros.
now, my girl doesn't even care enough to do anything.

i seriously have nothing to look forward to anymore.nothing.
no happy feelings to cling on to.nothing to drive me forward.
i just feel like dying.just disappear.i just want to go somewhere where i dont feel hurt.

why is it always me.why why why why.
why must i be the one who always acts first.why must i be the person to solve everything.the fuck shit about it is, i know that if i dont act my life is going to get worse than it already is.

everyone thinks aidil is strong.that includes you.but i'm not.i'm human.i'm weak.i need help.
i have nothing else to give.i'm sorry.i'm giving up.life wins.i lose and will humbly accept my fate.

but the most hurt i feel is from you. repeatedly, you push me away. the one thing that i cant handle, is done by the one who knows me best. the one i love most. you say that you push me to see if i'll pull back and the day we break up is the day when i dont pull back. then why do you still push me away. you want to get us to break is it.
if you push me away, isn't it your responsibility to pull me back. you're so sure in your routine.
push aidil away is okay, cause he loves me enough that he'll always be there for me.
its okay to hurt aidil, cause i'll make it up with sweet words and gifts. is that it.really?

if you say sweet words,do gifts to make up for the times you've hurt me, then when is it that you do stuff because of love? i'm not pulling you back.its not because i don't love you. its because i want to see whether you love me enough to pull me back or not. do you love me enough to try?

i told you, push me away and i dont come back easy. so are you giving up on us?
is this all i'm worth to you? if you dont even love enough to muster up the courage, to put aside your pride and expose yourself to vulnerability, to free your emotions then i don't see why i should repeatedly hurt myself by doing it too.

i have less than 24 hours left till i go back to army.if we don't reconcile by then, i don't think we'll survive the week. but from the look of things, i'm in for a lonely week.

i read a tumblr post,
'if someone really loves you, they won't let you slip away no matter how hard the situation is'

i've never let you slip away.are you going to let me go?

can i just die please.i can't fight anymore.my leg is killing me.